Saturday, August 13, 2005 2:38 AM
Hate Myself. . .
I t0ld myself n0t t0 p0st unhappy stuffs frequently. But... I really h0pe tat this will be the final time I p0st this kind 0f simple matters. Why can't I just lead t0 a n0rmal life. Why can't I st0p my frens fr0m w0rrying fr0m me, when I think tat everything's is actually very fine.
Wh0 am I? I'm just s0me1 tat dun listen t0 advice, n just d0 things tat I FEEL is c0rrect although s0metimes is wr0ng. I believe in my senses tat they will like 0r d0 things. S0me1 tat dun care 0thers' feeling. N I guessed I dun even kn0w mine t00. S0me1 tat really dun like t0 g0 0ut. Sigh. Fr0m I'm y0ung.....
Baby, every1 d0tes me, esp my grandfather (Although he passed away when I'm very young. When I'm sad, I always think 0f him esp when I cry). Well, which baby doesn't have ppl d0tes in the first place.
Kindergarden, well I can't remembered much.
Primary Sch00l, simple enuff: Had 0nly a cl0se fren, kn0wn as Ee Lin. Always d0 things t0gether. After sk00l, either I g0 h0me 0r I stay back t0 teach th0se P1 0r P2 children. N tat's y I kind 0f like kids. After graduati0n, I din c0ntact wif them anym0re. Particularly, starting fr0m there. I'm just a simple, l0nely, quiet, shy gal. That dun like t0 g0 t0 see the excited w0rld ar0und me.
Sec0ndary Sch00l, Sec 1 - 3: Kn0wn a gal called JiaLing. She taught me al0ts 0f things. Alth0ugh 0ver 1/2 0f the things are n0t gd things. But she's definitely a s0-called 'sista' t0 me. But st0pped c0ntacting after she quit sk00l. Sec 2 - 5: Known an0ther gal called Serval. Always t0gether wif her. Band, excursi0n, sch, break, w0rk, etc. She's als0 an0ther gd sista I had. Remembered during 0ur critical peri0d which is the '0-levels'. We always stay till late at v0id-decks t0 study. Thru band, I kn0w 3 0ther cl0se frens, Jing, Shihui n Yeez. We always stick t0gether during band 0r after band. After graduati0n, we met up 0nly when either there's BBQ 0r 0rientati0n. Particularly, I'm just a gal tat talks t0 th0se tat I kn0w f0r l0ng, c0mmunicati0n brek d0wn, etc. I just wanted t0 d0 my part. Sec 4, I st0pped taking $$ fr0m my parents. N my financial came t0 a pr0blem. No $$ = dun eat. Simple.
Poly, Yr 1-now: Kn0wn a gal called Cheryl. Been thru wif her ups and d0wns. D0ing pr0jects t0gether alm0st every yr. If U see me ar0und the sk00l, U will definitely see her beside me. Sk00l pr0jects, break, lectures, tut0rials, w0rk, etc. I guess she's 0s0 the 1 tat really went 0ut wif me m0st 0f the times. T0 watch m0vie, r0ller-blade, eat, sh0pping, KB0x, n even 0verseas. BUt there's always time when 0ur characters crashed. Particularly, I'm just a c0ntradicting (always change my mind), self-d0ing (prefer t0 d0 my things al0ne which ended up a big arguement in m0bile assignment, which always been a scar t0 my heart tat I dun wish tat t0 happen), stubb0rn (always like t0 d0 the 0pp0site way), unfeeling (dun care), etc.
W0rk, Might as well dun say t00 much. I kn0w wadever I feel n0w, is different fr0m h0w the 0ther think. Ya. I might be happy 0r unhappy w0rking there. I might have l0ts 0f excuses t0 maintain my w0rk 0ver there. S0 I guess wadever I say, is like useless. Particularly, I'm just s0ft-hearted (t0 have help th0se tat can't w0rk), stubb0rn (t0 keep w0rking even I'm really tired), 0ver-sensitive (to be sad/anger at the things tat I dun like it t0 be happen, resulting immature), loyalty (to have not been quitting, again it might be my excuses).
There's many things tat I wanna d0 but I just c0uldn't d0 it. 19 yrs, I had been like tat f0r 19 yrs. Trying t0 adapt h0w the 0thers' are. H0w I wish I can enj0y g0ing 0ut 0s0. If U asked me wad kind 0f restaurant I had been t0, I can tell U th0se fast f00d restaurants. I seld0m g0 t0 restaurant tat c0st expensive. Haha. My expensive = $20 n more. I 0nly starting saving up 0n 19 yrs 0ld plus. Which is this yr. Tat's when I had been heavily w0rking n studying. Paying my hp bills, expenses, s0metimes even the starhub 0nline bills. I'm n0t like tat th0se tat can spent much $$ g0ing 0ut. Yesh, g0ing 0ut can be priceless. Wind0wn-sh0pping, relaxing, building up frenship, etc. U can see tat within my 19 yrs 0f life. H0w many times have I g0ne 0ut? Haha. . N0t much. Sigh. I remembered tat there's was this time when my 0utg0ing character suddenly attacked me. N I really enj0yed the days I had. But n0w is g0ne. I 0s0 wish t0 have exciting day, g0ing 0ut n n0t study then w0rk then slp. S0 b0ring. Ppl always say me 'ki sia0' w0rk s0 much f0r wad, g0 0ut relax larh. Nah. My situation is really different fr0m U guys. Excuses? I guess s0. I really jeal0us at th0se tat had parents t0 talk t0, all0w them t0 d0 this n tat, always g0 0ut, have many frens. 0f c0urse, I'm given much freed0m already. I can talk t0 my parents if I wanted it t0 be change. But f0r wad. If there's really a change, I might feel very weird.
Sigh. I kn0w I had been neglecting 0ther ppl. H0w d0 I want ppl t0 put themselves in my sh0es if I dun put myself t0 theirs sh0es. H0w d0 I want ppl t0 understand my situation, when I dun even care abt 0ther's feeling. Why d0 I 0nly get t0 feel regret 0nly when after things will happen. H0w d0 I let 0thers n0t t0 w0rry s0 much 0n me. H0w d0 I be like 0thers tat can g0 0ut n enj0y. Why d0 I have s0 many 'WHY' n 'H0W'. I dun wish t0 think s0 much. It just hit me n I just have tat much t0 say. Maybe hurt at y things always came in a different way. N y d0 I simply different fr0m 0thers.
- Understand 0r dun understand, please dun pr0mpt me any questi0n [It's just my mem0ry. N f0r 1 glance. I might f0rget tat I have p0st today] -